I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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