I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
