after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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