I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
