my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's rum buckets o'clock
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
