Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
