Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
