...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
