you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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