Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i drank out of a bidet.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
ok first of all what the fuck
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
