i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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