She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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