hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
