I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
