Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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