Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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