Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
