Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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