we made out on top of his cat.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
