My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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