She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
