whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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