If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize