ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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