I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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