Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
