Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
