I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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