I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Couch. On fire.
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