My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
