How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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