Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
