When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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