I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
