The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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