i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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