You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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