There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
