I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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