you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
