she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
