yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
