Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
