last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
