I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
