Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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