so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
