i don't like sucking hair
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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