i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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