Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
